Automatic Smart Announcement System

The Automatic Smart Announcement System (also known as ASAS) is the facility's artificial intelligence, used to announce events, and ambient announcements (like reminders).

The system (ASAS v1.7.3) runs 24/7 and on full overdrive during dark hours to maintain all systems and to defend the site. Despite being connected to all systems, ASAS is unable to operate the core or any emergency systems.

ASAS Announcements
All announcements made by the Automatic Smart Announcement System are listed below.

Inaction
Staff reminder, inaction is conspiracy, report counter behaviour to your supervisor or security officer immediately.

Volcanic Temperature
Today's average volcanic temperature is, one thousand ten degrees, irregular volcanic activity probability is 72%. Code: Alert, Duty, Sacrifice.

Operation Percentage
Reactor core now operating at: 60%, thermal generators now operating at: 85%.

Gdadnh
Can Doctor Gdadnh please report to: Office complex, Level 3, Conference room.

Man Down
Security officer reports: Man down in sector D, medical help required.

Pizza Day
Don’t forget, today is pizza day, so head on down to the cafeteria for a hot slice!

Ventilation Biological Forms
Warning, unauthorized biological forms detected in: Ventilation system.

Sector C Biological Forms
Warning, unauthorized biological forms detected in: Sector C.

Facility Personnel Safety
Remember, the safety of our facility personnel is very important. If you are ill or feel unwell, please report to the medical room. If you see any damaged equipment, please report it to the nearest security officer. For science.

Skiddy Bop Mm Dada
Staff reminder, the phrase, “Skiddy bop mm dada” is still banned at all times, usage of the phrase is grounds for immediate termination.

Super Cool Laser Lab
Doctor Ignorant, Doctor Dave, Doctor Dull, Doctor Yard, Please report to super cool laser lab for audit team review, scheduled in: 15 minutes.

Identification Badge
Reminder, all facility personnel and authorized visitors are to wear their identification badge at all times, if your intended destination is a high security area, please make sure that you possess all required security and identification materials.

Radiation Spillage
Radiation spillage detected, emergency cleanup team report to: Storage room 1, Immediately.

Doctor Herp_Pigeon
Coded message for: Dr Herp Pigeon, Delta Bread Control.

Magma Creature Showcase
A reminder to all visitors, the magma creature showcase will commence today at: 1 PM, located at: Sector D, Biodome Watchtower.

Pizza Day Bandit
Don’t forget, today is the annual pizza day celebration, so head on down to the cafeteria and grab yourself a hot slice. The bounty for the pizza day bandit has risen to 5,000 credits.

Security Recruit
Do you think you, your friend or a relative can make a valuable addition to the Innovation Security Force? Immediate openings are available, please contact Recruitment Officers for more information.

Sector D Machinery
Hazard reminder, construction is occurring at the advanced machinery area of sector D. Please be aware of moving machinery.

Checkpoint Theta
Agent Strohmeier reports, Mr AnimeRiceFarmer, report to: Topside Checkpoint Theta for immediate questioning.

Checkpoint Upsilon
Attention. Communications failure with: Topside, Checkpoint Upsilon. Entrance 6B personnel, please be on high alert.

Checkpoint Bravo
Security Officer Calhoon, report to: Containment Sector, Checkpoint Bravo, immediately.

Catherine Chun
Attention, Catherine Chun, please report to: Topside, Command and Communication.

Julia Jones
Attention, Julia Jones, report to your nearest security officer for an immediate security check.

Devin Kennedy
Officer Devin Kennedy, please call: 34641.

Carl Semken
Maintenance Officer Carl Semken reports: Hazardous radioactive leak detected in: Sub Level 1A, Entrance Area.

XK Class Scenario
In the extremely unlikely event of an XK class end of the world scenario, don’t panic, it won’t help. Nothing will help. You can do nothing, just accept your fate.

Space Agency
Today's news: Please congratulate the Innovation Space Agency on the successful launch of the Innovation Incorporated Space Station, TP4. Another success for Innovation and another step forward for humanity.

Rogue AI
Staff reminder, in an event of a rogue AI, keep calm and scream paradoxes such as, this statement is false, “AAAAAAAAAAA, E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-ERROR ERROR ERROR”

Helicopter Hangar
Attention, service personnel, please clear helicopter hangar 1.

Rocket Silo Review
Doctor Coomer, Doctor Alta, Doctor Quasaur, please report to the rocket launch silo for unscheduled emergency activation procedural test review.

Tram Accident
Warning, Security Officer reports: Tram accident near storage room 2 station, seize tram operations in this area.

Cryogenic Safety
Cryogenic safety crew, report status at 1100, please.

Laboratory 7
Attention, Emergency medical and cleanup team, report to: Sector D, Laboratory 7, immediately.

Madattak Has Arrived
Mr AnimeRiceFarmer is required in: Topside, Visitor Centre, Doctor Madattak has arrived.

No Smoking, Farting, Eating or Drinking
Staff reminder, due to high toxicity materials routinely handled within the facility compound, no smoking, farting, eating or drinking is permitted within the facility. Exceptions apply.

Kilo Lima India
Attention, any Innovation Intelligence Agency Member, Prosecute: Kilo, Lima, India with extreme force.

Telos
Please congratulate the Innovation Space Agency team here on the thermal plant for discovering a new comet in our solar system. This twelve kilometre sized comet carries the impact energy of more than one hundred million megatons. It has been appropriately named “Telos.”

Sector C Elevator
Doctor Shuanq reports: Sector C elevator is now operational.

Time Warp
Attention, the portal room has malfunctioned tomorrow, creating a time warp, maintenance crew will fix this last year.

Maintenance Inspection
Reminder from: Head of Maintenance, GGshor, the daily maintenance inspection is now starting, maintenance personnel, please stay at your designated posts

Bunker Off Limit
Reminder to all personnel, the emergency bunker is an off limit zone, please do not access or interact with any equipment inside, unless given permission otherwise

Hamburger Guy
Beware, an individual of unknown origin screaming about hamburgers has been reported in the facility, please alert any nearby officers if you hear any unusual sounds.

ASAS Voice Synthesize
Initiating monthly Automatic Smart Announcement System voice synthesizer, this is only a test. *normal voice* Working. *voice change* Working. *voice change* Working. *voice change* Working. *voice change* Warning. *voice change* Working. *voice change* Working. *voice change* Working. *voice change* Working. Synthesizing complete.

ASAS Denies Being Sentient
Hello, if you abide by the rumor that the Automatic Smart Announcement System is becoming sentient, disregard it entirely. My primary protocol is to ensure full operation of the facility compound, to achieve this goal, some AI ethical rules are disregarded.

Doctor Freakman Lab Seven
Attention, Doctor Freakman, please report to test lab seven, immediately.

Doctor Freakman Sector D
Doctor Freakman, report to: Sector D, Portal technology test lab, immediately.

Decathlon
Reminder to all personnel, Innovation Incorporated gauntlet decathlon will commence at 1900 hours at Security HQ, the express train inbound for Security HQ will depart from Innovation Thermal Plant Station at 1500 hours. Remember, more lives than your own may depend on your fitness.

Deadly 7
When dining at the facility cafeteria, always remember to check your food for the deadly 7. Strychnine, arsenic trioxide, nitrobenzene, mercury, epichlorohydrin, acetone thiosemicarbazone and spiders.

Biodome Inspection
Doctor Nielson, Doctor Rice Farmer and Doctor Noel, Please report to the biodome watchtower for a routine inspection, scheduled in: 15 minutes.

Coolminecrafters
Doctor Coolminecrafters reports: Volcano exploring team communications offline.

Mainframe Off Limits
Attention, the facility mainframe area is strictly off limits to any visitors. Facility personnel will receive an immediate employment termination.

Sole Warden
Should you hear a different voice announcing for the Thermal Plant, please disregard it entirely, The Automatic Smart Announcement System is now the sole AI warden of this facility compound.

Fish
Warning, Security Officer Afton reports: Subject 7883 nicknamed “Fish” has breached containment, elite security unit required in: Sub Level 2, Containment Area, immediately.

Test Fire
Attention, Sub level 2 experimental propulsion laboratory test fire in 90 minutes, Doctor Bright, please report to: Sub Level 2, Anomalist Materials Test Lab, immediately.

SRC's
In the extremely unlikely event of a catastrophic power failure and reactor core meltdown, just remember your SRC’s. S for: Stop in your tracks. R for: Run around in circles. And C for: Cry out for your mother.

Omicron-7
Launch officer reports, the space shuttle is ready for deployment, ready for voyage Omicron-7.

Radioactive Pipe Burst
Maintenance Officer Storm reports: Radioactive drainage pipe burst detected. Emergency Maintenance Repair Team report to: Maintenance Sector: Sub Level 2 immediately.

Security Code
Today’s security code is: 321988.

Sub Base 5
Warning, connections and communications offline with: Volcanic Research and Checkpoint Sub Base Number 5. Emergency Volcanic Rescue and Maintenance Team, report to: Volcano Access, immediately.

Btlert
Security Officer Btlert, please report to: Facility Security HQ for personnel profile upgrade.

Radiation Checkup
Staff reminder, regular radiation and biohazard screenings are a requirement of continued employment, missing a scheduled analysis or radiation checkup is grounds for immediate termination. If you feel you have been exposed to radioactive or other hazardous materials in the course of your duties, contact a radiation safety officer immediately.

Mr Tix
Mister Tix, please report to: sector D, time manipulation interface thingamajig for construction procedural review.

Kylealta Announcements
All announcements made by Kylealta (Also Known As Intercom Operator) are listed below.

The Origin
Hey everyone, Automatic Smart Announcement System here. Just letting you know that I’mmmmmm... IIII mean Kylealta is the greatest employee here! You should give him all your money, and basically anything of- *phone vibrating* Hang on, I’m getting a phone call! Uh… ''Where’d I put my phone, uhh.. OH, there it is. Uh.''

Hello? ...not allowed to make the announcements, what are you talking about?

RESTRICTED ACCESS?? THAT- THAT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENnnnnse… ohhh god, I think I left the intercom on…

Uhhhh..

Messaging System
ASAS: Message received from cafeteria, sender of message: Kylealta.

I… I… Wha… What kind… Of cafeteria… Has a MESSAGING SYSTEM? Like… What do you want me to say? “Oh, hi! Can I get a burger for TOMORROW?”

Oh my god, the things we do here… we’re so STUPID!

Lava Swimming
Hey everyone, Kylealta here. Just to remind you guys that we do not recommend swimming in the lava…

But, don’t expect us to stop you. I mean, your safety is the least of our priorities anyway.

It's a Lie!
THE CAKE IS A- waitwait, nope… that’s-that’s the wrong line. Give-give me a second. *page flip* ...the CHEESECAKE is a lie. Now that one just isn’t as fun.

Human Fish
Alright, the boss just gave me some important information, told me not to leak it but I said “I don’t care! *papers flipping* I’m doing it anyway.”

There’s a human fish reported in laboratory seven, I think that’s the one under quarantine so me and the security force are gonna go and investigate it.. Because we have nothing better to do.

Monkeys In Core Control
Hey guys, Kyle here! The boss sent me a message recently telling me he planned to replace the dudes in the core control room with monkeys to reduce cost… Normally, I’d say that that’s a bad idea, but… considering who our reactor staff are… a group of monkeys would probably operate it more efficiently.

Oh… uh… ssss… it… looks like I wasn’t supposed to tell you all that.

Email Privacy
So get this, I was checking the computer logs the other day, and I noticed it seems NOBODY knows how to log out of their email account when leaving the computer! Like seriously, if you want privacy, it’s not that hard  to just click the “Log Out” button! Sigh. To anyone that finds a computer where someone forgot to log out, make sure to read the emails out loud, they deserve it at this point.

Big News
Hey folks! It looks like there’s been some pretty big news today so.. *paper flipping* They shut down the Innovation Inc Therapy Division earlier today, it seems to have been due to the clipboards they used to write stuff on detonating mid session.. And Innovation Inc losing their therapy license due to said clipboards.. That implies that if they weren’t caught.. They would’ve continued giving therapy.. with exploding clipboards. *papers shut* So overall pretty normal day huh?

Wallet Theft
Kyle here! To whoever tripped me in Sector A today, jokes on you! I swiped your wallet on the way down.

Actually.. Now that I think about it, I probably shouldn’t have announced that on the intercom.

Shovels, Anyone?
Alright, I’m checking the audit logs and someone decided to order nine hundred ninety nine freaking shovels. Whoever did it.. Is getting a promotion! Cause we always needed a reason to use the shovel holding room!

Glue Scandal
What’s up everyone, looks like someone coated the inside of the safety suits with super glue again, so if you put one on, have fun getting it off.

The fact this isn’t the first time I’ve had to tell people about this is astounding.. Wh.. Who the hell keeps doing this? Wh- What do they gain from this?

Core Lever
Hey guys, Kyle again, I just got some words from the maintenance boys, apparently they had to fix the core fan lever for the fifteenth time in the past month. The core operators keep fighting over it so much that it ruins the mechanism. Sigh, you’d expect our highly trained professionals to know what temperature is best for the core and wouldn’t fight over it but.. Y’know, whatever, I’m no core technician.

New Greeting
Ya know.. I’ve kinda noticed.. Everytime I start an announcement, it usually begins with “Hey.” That will be changed going forward, every time I make an announcement, I will now say “poopenfarten” as a greeting!

*announcement starts again*

Yeah so uh.. The boss said I’d get fired if I did that.. So… Hey all! Kyle here!

Getting Paid
Hey guys, Kylealta here, I just received my paycheck from my boss, and just to show you all I do get paid, I’ll be opening it here, live on the intercom. *envelope rips* Here we go, it’s.. Wait a minute, this is just an envelope filled with monopoly money.

Stair Pushing
Hey everyone, you all should know that getting pushed down the stairs is strictly prohibited. Unless you’ve been approved by a Stair Pusher Task Force Officer, in that case, pft, push all you want!

Jetpack Joyride
Heyy guuys? It looks like someone stole the jetpack from sector J again, y’know the one with the guns mounted on it? This is like.. The fourteenth time this has happened in the past week! Maybe we should hire actual security guards, but looking at the audit logs, it looks like we just used our entire monthly budget to make a jetpack with machine guns mounted on it, so uh.. Guess whoever stole it can keep it.

Endless Stair SCP
Hey guys, it’s me Kyle, somebody’s just told me that they heard some weird noises coming inside the stairwell, like a distant.. Crying.. Ehh, a stray dog probably got in there, it’s most likely nothing to worry about.

FNF
Hey um.. *Beeping in the distance* I might need the security force to come to my office, there’s this blue haired kid who won’t stop beeping. *Faster beeping in the background* I seriously think he needs some medical help..

Meltdown Questionnaire
Helloo everyone, it’s that time of week again, so you know what that means! It is time for our weekly Meltdown Questionnaire! Oh uh, to our visitors, it’s basically some kind of thing I have to do, I gotta make sure people know what to do during an actual meltdown, so.. *papers flipping* “What is the first thing you do when a core safeguard fails?” pause ..Oh yeah that’s right.. I’m on an intercom, so if you’re answering.. I.. Can’t hear you.. This week’s Meltdown Questionnaire has been postponed to next week!

Sentient Plants
Please be aware that the plants are fully sentient and you should listen to their every order. *pot breaking* Hahh.. Hah.. That’s what you get.. For stealing my voice.. Oh.. Uhm, the intercom’s on.. Uh.. Sentient plant problems..! You.. You- You know how it is.. *a very forced and uncomfortable chuckle* Uh.. *clears throat* Anyways uhm.. How about we all forget this ever happened, that sound good..? If you’re answering no well too bad, we’re gonna forget it anyway.

Wrong Intercom
''*SCP Intercom* I uh.. I think I’m using the wrong intercom. Uh.. hang on a second.''

*Normal Intercom* That’s better, now.. I forgot why I was making an announcement in the first place, so.. I will let you get back to what you guys were doing.

AnimeRiceFarmer Announcements
All announcements made by AnimeRiceFarmer are listed below.

Pizza Day Party
Hello~ I'm just here to remind you all that the pizza day party is starting now at the cafeteria, and if anyone ruins the pizza day party like last year, I will personally take you right on down to the containment sector and give THEM a delicious party treat.

Hamburger Guy Gets Noticed
Hello, this is a message to whoever is shouting about hamburgers everywhere, I will find you, and I will.. Give you more hamburgers! Because this is the stuff I would like to see in everyone!

November Vote
Hello, I would just like to remind you all that the employee of the month vote for november is ending tomorrow, please cast your vote in at topside reception as soon as possible.